Know your bike shop - the modern

if you like old bikes like me
you'll occasionally have to buy new stuff for them.
there's not much that a modern bike shop can provide other than
disdainful remarks about your bike
how it's even older than last year
and perhaps some unnecessarily high prices

but you can usually get:
(list)
tubes
tyre repair kits
some of the more common tools
gear and brake cable
grips
brake pads
um
I think that's about it.

but how do you know if you are in a modern bike shop?
well
lots of bikes for a start
as far as your eyes can see.
usually all the same brand.
staff are between 35 and 37 years of age
unless they're younger
and either male
men or
of the masculine gender.
check closely if any staff look like they are of the feminine gender
ask yourself
has she moved in the last five minutes
and
is she 3 dimensional.
if no to the first she is most likely a mannequin (see pic above)
if no to the second question
she is a promotional cut-out
or a poster.
talking to her will be slightly less helpful than talking to her colleagues.

lots of cool phrases pepper their pitch for your business like
dude
sweet
good times
sweet
and dude.

some ride to work in their work shoes
which is lucky because their work shoes are clipless.
which is a strange term
since they are neither clipless nor clopless when
walking around on polished concrete.

but the litmus test:
when they ask what year was your bike made
and you say
1975
and they say
oh
that's really old
then you know you're in a modern bike shop.
if you don't need anything on the list
then leave quickly
your bike is offensive to their eyes
and you have brought violence unto their house.